In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
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The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
When the stylist spins you back around
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”