I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
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WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what