Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
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saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
it was a valiant fight
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Bread puns are on the rise!
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.