In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
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My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.