@WheelTod: In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I'd just totaled her car.
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@gurl_sour: Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
@ericsshadow: FBI: If you testify you'll have to go into the Witness Protection Program ME: I'll do it FBI: Your wife and kids too ME: Oh ok never mind
@BrettDruck: Her: I'm so wet Him: I'm so hard Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
@salamingia: Boss: you spend a lot of time on your phone! Me: you spend too much time watching me. Don't you have work to do?