@WheelTod: In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I'd just totaled her car.
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@juliussharpe: If Apple has taught me anything, it's wait to see the "Steve Jobs" movie until they release a second version.
@XplodingUnicorn: Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery? Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot? Him: Me: Him: How much money do you have?
@TweetingDadGuy: When my daughter gets older, she will have a camera phone OR a mirror. Not both. Thanks for the advice Twitter.
@KalvinMacleod: GENIE: you have three wishes. ME: sweet, I wish for pie. GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.