In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
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Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
Bootstraps