My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
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Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to