Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
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The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
there’s probably a fee though
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Awwwww shit.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.