If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
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[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
My background check bounced.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)