[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
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Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
#Caturday
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Bike is short for Bichael.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Holy crap this is wonderful
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope