In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
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Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.