I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
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well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome