In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
You Might Also Like
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person