[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
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SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.