ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
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Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*