I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
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if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
can’t catch a break
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.