They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
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Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
She: I like Cats
He:
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine