independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
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‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads