Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
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My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Brb my Sims are getting married
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
I鈥檓 fine with you not liking my tweets, as I鈥檓 adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
I鈥檓 far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
[at the bar]
Me: Let鈥檚 settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 馃槈
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Everyone鈥檚 a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn鈥檛 want to know that
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.