(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
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Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
#milo