Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
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can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
new year update: losing everything but weight
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”