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My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.