[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
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i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Trumpy Cat
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).