INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
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When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.