*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
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The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there