@Faceyspace: Initially I thought I would rather catch herpes than feelings. But then I realized herpes are forever.
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@david8hughes: [identifying body] Cop: this him? Me: yea Cop: he's burnt pretty bad huh Me: yea Cop: ... Me: ... Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
@Smooheed: How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
@GASmithIV: Like Rachel Dolezal, I too have been pretending to be something I'm not. For years, I've pretended to be white, when I'm actually a ladder.
@thejamietighe: Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body. Who's ready for music? Not you. You have tetanus