I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
You Might Also Like
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
me and who
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.