*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
You Might Also Like
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Get off my horse you stupid moon
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.