i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
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My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
checking out some reviews of my local library
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]