@TheTweetOfGod: Inside everybody there's a still, small voice seeking to guide them on their journey through life. It was put there by the CIA.
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@pleatedjeans: me: can I buy you a drink? girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one me: [spits in it] How about now?
@ElleOhHell: "Dumb as a bag of hammers" is kind of a stupid comparison because it's actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
@trentistweeting: "My date was cute but he couldnt perform in the bedroom." *cuts to me in bedroom butchering Wonderwall on guitar* i swear this never happens
@joelu72: [writing my first autopsy report] There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy