@TheTweetOfGod: Inside everybody there's a still, small voice seeking to guide them on their journey through life. It was put there by the CIA.
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@P1ssed_K1d: Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
@rockymomax: [elementary school] BULLY: gimme your lunch money ME: no B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it M: ok but this has to stop I'm your teacher
@EyeSeeYou619: [First Date] HIM: So, you like Star Wars. ME: *sipping soup thru a bendy straw so I don't have to take off my C-3PO mask* *shakes head yes*