#inspiration #foodforthought
You Might Also Like
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.