#inspiration #foodforthought
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My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15