I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
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Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*