@DirtMcTurd: Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
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@ElgatoEsmio: [holding an acorn] “do you still love me?” Wife yells outside- "that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!” "Shaddup you!"
@KyleMcDowell86: told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she's coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
@JohnLyonTweets: Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.