Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
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Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
If only