@DirtMcTurd: Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
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@aidanjsears: ME: i'm nervous WIFE: don't be. just be confident [later] BOSS: so do you think you'd be right for the job ME: *confidently* no
@WeekendTwitr: Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
@TheBeerGuy73: My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger. So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex's car.
@YoungNobler: These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.