me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
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Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
this makes me so uncomfortable
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.