The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
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I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
“our sushi is very fresh”
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture