@ryaninco: Instagram before the foods goes in, Twitter when the food goes out.
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@samalmightysam: Hi, I'm your car's radio. I'll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I'll play your favorite song.
@bobvulfov: [posing nude] ME: make sure to capture all of my body's contours DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
@juicymorsel: I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
@MrsMikePatton: My boyfriend got pissed because I didn't swallow. Is it my fault I have a nut allergy?