@ryaninco: Instagram before the foods goes in, Twitter when the food goes out.
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@electrolemon: a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn't know what to say so I stammered out "I like bread"
@IAmKatieOrr: "Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today." Woman: "EXCUSE ME?!" [whispers]"Dear Diary, I think she can hear me."
@KalvinMacleod: A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
@ThisOneSayz: Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets? Lost&Found: this isn't an exchange Me: *pulls sunglasses back* LF: security! Me: *runs*