To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
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I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
These dogs look like they have good credit.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO