CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
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My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine