@theyearofelan: Instagram is down! I'm freaking out! What are you people eating? How are your pets? What the hell is happening???
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@TheGladStork: "Hey kids, you like candy?" I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
@DiamondLou69: Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I'm pretty sure she'll figure out that I'm just after my money.
@Sickayduh: [NBA Postgame] *LeBron wearing his fake glasses* "Questions? Yes, Lois Lane from Daily Planet" "Yeah hi. I'll wait til LeBron comes out"