Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
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Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
barbara was highly relatable
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”