@WriterLifeCo: Instagram now has video! I'm going to film the hell out of this salad!
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@slimmy_shady: Almost arrived at work when my kid asked "Where're we going?" Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
@longwall26: Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It's like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
@JohnHilsen: Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a "corn maze" and not a "maize maze."
@thetobbie: The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji...