Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
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Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
My dating profile:
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.