@TheTweetOfGod: Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
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@LoveNLunchmeat: This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I'm just really bad at math.
@daemonic3: In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
@AmishPornStar1: Best part about marriage? NO MORE CONDOMS!!! Worst part about marriage? No more sex.
@Rachelnoise: If by ticklish, you mean I'll turn into a rabid chihuahua on bath salts if you come near my underarm, then yes I'm a little ticklish.