Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
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[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
The Friday File.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
THIS HEADLINE
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.