@TheTweetOfGod: Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
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@Parkerlawyer: So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
@ericsshadow: CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child. FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
@thepunningman: Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can't live on salad, Eleanor