Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
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Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.