Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
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hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.