Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
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GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.