*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
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I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin