Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
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UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.