Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
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Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Nomnomnomnom
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”