Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
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When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020