@therealeatwood: Instead of complaining that it’s hard to remove glitter, accept it. Embrace it. You are a shiny person now.
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@meganamram: Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
@hamspamtymaam: If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they've been drinking in order to establish dominance.
@Brampersandon_: WIFE: would you chop these onions for me ME: sure WIFE: I meant with a knife ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
@just_evolved: When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.