the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
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Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.