Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
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If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason