WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
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homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.