my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
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Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.