[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
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wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”