Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
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Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Pot warmers of the day.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.